Monday, December 24, 2007

This is one of my favorites from the archives. I should have used this as an answer to the Christmas questions in the post below.

The Best Christmas Gift I Ever Got ...........

Wasn't even a gift intended for me, nor did I get to keep it. I know that doesn't make sense, so let me explain ...........

Christmas Eve 1999, I was working the day shift and it was a relatively slow morning so far. It was about 25 degrees out, snowing pretty hard and it looked like we were gonna get a white Christmas.

At about 8:15 that morning, a young fella comes strolling in the backdoor and tells me he needs a wheelchair for his wife, who he tells me is ready to deliver her baby. Cool. He's acting all cool and shit, so I scoop up a wheelchair and head out towards the back. I'm asking him all the stock questions as we go. Seems her water broke about 30 minutes ago. It's her second child and she hasn't had any contractions yet.

These are all good answers and he was right on 2 out of 3.

We go outside and I see a brand new shiny red Mustang GT parked at the curb with a young woman in the passanger seat. And that's when I also noted that she had - THE LOOK.

Uh Oh.

Now Dad was still not aware that things were not quite as he believed them to be at this point, but I started moving faster and paying less attention to him and more towards what I was seeing in the Mustang.

Sure as shit, when I got close, the young Mother looked out the open window at me and screamed - "The Baby's Coming!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I hauled ass over there and she's got both feet up on the dashboard grunting and puffing like Teddy Kennedy at a Sorority House Party. She tells me the baby's coming and I believe her at this point. Oh Crap!! My "Pucker Factor" hits Warp 9 and I send Dad running back to the ER for Backup.

The young Lady had on a pair of white sweat pants so I just pulled them out and ......... DAMN!!
The Kid's head is already out!!! I yanked her pants down, kinda up in this case, and was really wondering where my coworkers and Doctor were at this point.

Now she's in the front bucket seat of a little sportscar with her feet up on the dashboard. The ergonomics were not real good for delivering a Baby, so I'm fumbling like mad, trying to find the seat release to lay that seat back.

She's sweating and grunting. I'm sweating and scared as hell and trying to find that damn seat release, when all of a sudden I found it.

She was braced, with those feet on the dash, pushing like hell when I popped that seat release and ...... WHAM!! That seat flew back and that Kid came flying out of there like a shot!

Now, I'm a "Crosseyed Little FuckTard" or CELF, and have the hand/eye coordination of most Garden Slugs, but I made a one handed stab that would have made any Major League Shortstop proud and snatched that Kid up in midflight and then immediately went into brain lock.

Thank G-d, the brain lock only lasted a few seconds as that Kid was blue as a Smurf and not breathing. My brain re-engaged and I started rubbing the little shit, while keeping it's (I didn't know what the sex was yet) head point down to drain anything from it's mouth.

After what seemed like an eternity, that kid took a big ol' breath and then let out a very nice sounding cry. Mom and I started breathing again at that point.

Finally, Suzie came out the back door with a cart and Dad was right behind her. Now remember, it was 25 degrees out and snowing hard and I'm holding this steaming little baby and trying to figure out what the hell to do next. I calmly screamed like a little school girl, "I GOT A DAMN BABY HERE!!!!!" I then had Dad take off his Greatful Dead, tie dye tee shirt and utilized it as a swaddling cloth.

The Doctor finally came sauntering out, taking his sweet ass time and Suzie about ran his ass over carrying the "Precipitous Delivery Package" out to the car.

So here I am holding this slimey little bundle in my bare hands and the first word out of Dumbass Doc's mouth is to ask me for a Bulb syringe so he can suction out the baby's mouth.

I politely replied that, "I would be happy to shit one out for you if you have a minute, but I really thought you may have thought to bring one with you. Asshole". He was not impressed with my answer. We clamped and cut the cord and Doc, Suzie and Dad took off inside with the Baby, leaving Mom and me still out in the car.

I looked at mom, and since she was a little bitty thing, I just reached in and snatched her ass up and tossed her on the cart. Her pants were still down around her ankles and her ass was hanging out in the wind, but I figured it was the thing to do at the time. She didn't seem to mind.

As I was wheeling her into the ER she asked me if it was a Boy or a Girl.

I had no clue. I had held the Baby face down the entire time and never even saw the business side of things.

Turned out it was a 6 lb 6 oz little Girl who had all her fingers and toes in order and she did just fine. Mom and Baby were moved up to the OB floor shortly afterward.

So that was the best Christmas gift I never got - 7 years ago today. I forget what they named her, but I wanted to call her "Mustang Sally".

But nobody asked me.

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