Thursday, October 01, 2009

Starbucks ReRant ......

Someone asked me about Starbucks this morning. Predictably, I ignored their question and started into my standard, "I hate Starbucks" rant without missing a beat.

I realized that this guy had no idea just why I have this thing about the StarBots and apologized for immediately going off.

He laughed and asked what started it all. Not having the time to tell the story properly, I told him I'd re-post the story here.

So, here it is from November of 2007 -

Starbucks Coffee Moment ......
I went to Starbucks today. Something I hate to do.

QueenBuffness, the wife is ill today & being the wonderful guy I am, I stopped at Starbucks and bought her an expensive FooFoo coffee drink. $5 bucks for a friggin' coffee.

G-d love Starbucks. They are friggin' geniuses of marketing and I do admire that in a company. they not only convince legions of folks to spend waaaaaaay to much money for shitty coffee, they have convinced them to become loyal Starbots.
That's the American way and I fully support them in that.

But I'll be damned if I will buy anything from them under normal circumstances.

Here's why-

My first visit to a Starbucks was 2-3 years ago. The problem may have been that I was in Bloomington, Indiana. Home of Indiana University.

College town.
Full of pretentious college kids.
One of which happened to be behind the counter when I stopped at 7:30 in the morning.

After working all night.

I was in need of some coffee to keep me awake and spotted the Starbucks. OK. They have coffee and in I go. I almost never use drive through windows, but probably should have that morning.

Knowing nothing about all the different types of coffee to choose from, I asked the multi pierced, young chowderhead for his recommendation for a good cup of basic coffee. He suggested some sort of Breakfast Blend and I placed my order for a "Large".

And that's where things began to go downhill.
Young, "Facefull of Stainless Steel" (or FFOSS) tells me, "We don't have Large."

Me - "Huh?"
FFOSS - "We have Vente."
Me - "What? Vente? No. Just a large cup of that Breakfast Blend you told me about."
FFOSS - "We don't have Large. We have Tall, Grande and Vente."
Me - "No, I just want a large black coffee."
FFOSS - We have Vente. No large."
Me - (Still not getting it.) "WTF are you saying? A large coffee. Please."
FFOSS - "I'm sorry, but we don't HAVE large. We have Vente."
Me - (Finally catching on.) "Ooooooh. You don't have large. You have Vente."
FFOSS - (With slightly upturned nose and smarmy ass look on his face) "That's correct."

I was so tired at this point, I wasn't aware that this exchange was being monitored by the ever growing line behind me. That is until FFOSS delivered that last line and I heard a stifled laugh behind me. There were several older men, dressed in work clothes and boots, watching this whole thing and getting a kick out it.

I stood there for about 30 seconds without saying a thing, just letting him hang.

Me - "I'd like a large black coffee."
FFOSS - (Exasperated now) "I told you, We don't have large. We have Vente."
Me - (Putting on my best Drill Instructors voice and pointing to the 3 different stacks of cups.) "You will now reach over and get a cup from the stack on the right. That's your left, Shithead. That would be the LARGE ones. You will fill it with Breakfast Blend coffee. No condiments. You will not EVEN THINK of spitting in it, because I am watching you. You will then hand it to me nicely and take my money in a courteous, professional manner. Any variation of this scenario and I will come over this counter and rip your fucking throat out and SHIT DOWN YOUR FUCKING NECK! Do you have any questions regarding these instructions, FuckWeasel?"

FFOSS - "No."
Me - "No what?"
FFOSS - "No Sir."
Me - "Good."

FFOSS followed the directions and didn't try to spit in my coffee.

And he is still alive today to the best of my knowledge.

But you can see why I have a thing about Starbucks.

And a Gratuitous Picture, too-
Yeah, my face may have looked a bit like this-