Friday, November 03, 2006

BB Gun, Wise Ass Brother and a Perfect Opportunity. Hilarity Ensues ........

If Ritalin had been around when I was a kid, I'm sure my folks would have had me signed up in a heartbeat. I was a Cross-eyed, Little Fuck-Tard or CELF(TM) and just goofy as shit as a kid. Totally Attention Deficit.

I got in more trouble for doing stupid shit than I should have because I didn't care most of the time. My motto could have been, "Some things are just worth it." I just did whatever came to mind, knowing I would be getting my ass busted for it later. But a lot of the time I never even thought about what would result from my actions. And that's what got me on this occasion .........

At the time this event took place, I was about ten or eleven years old. Like most boys of that age, I had a Daisy Red Ryder BB Gun that was seldom out of my reach. Anything that moved or didn't move was a worthwhile target and I was surprisingly accurate for being a CELF(TM). I didn't shoot the dogs, because they were my buddies, but anything else was fair game.

We lived in an old farm house out in the country, so randomly shooting things wasn't much of a problem most of the time. One Saturday morning I was hanging out in the side yard, farting around and I heard a tapping coming from one of the upstairs windows. Looking up, I saw my older brother, Chief (We didn't call him that back then). When he was sure he had my attention, he turned around and dropped his drawers and mooned me, sticking his ass cheeks right to the window.

Oh Thank You, Jeezuuuuz!! I immediately whipped the trusty old Red Ryder up and drilled him in the ass. Yeah, right through the window pane. I heard him squeal and laughed like hell as I ran for the woods.

Unfortunately, Mom heard him too. Being a good Mom, she knew that squeal wasn't your ordinary boy noise and she sent The Old Man up to investigate. He, hearing the tale of woe, gave Chief a boot in the ass and started hunting for me. I was long gong already and stayed gone till he went off doing whatever Dad's did on Saturday mornings.

Chief caught me later and passed The Old Man's, Boot to the Ass, along to me. OK. Fair enough. Some things are just worth it and this was a perfect example.

You've probably seen the type of windows we had in that old house. Double hung, with nine small, separate panes. As I had only holed one of them, I didn't get a major ass kicking when The Old Man finally got me later. Just your standard ass whuppin'. He took the Red Ryder away for two weeks and told me I'd have to pay for a replacement pane. Ok, fair enough. Shooting Chief in the ass like that was worth all that and more, so how could I argue with that?

Fast forward two weeks........... It's a beautiful Saturday morning, I have my faithful Red Ryder back and all's right with the world. The birds are singing, the sky is blue and clear and I'm outside being one with nature.

And The Old Man was up on a ladder replacing the pane of glass.

I was watching him as he cut out the old putty, pulled the points and pulled the holed pane out. He had a new pane cut to size from the hardware store (purchased by me) put in and was in the process of glazing it in. Glazing windows is not as easy as it looks and The Old Man was pretty good at it. He was so intent on his work he never even noticed Chief come into the room, drop his drawers and moon me again.

But I did.

The Old Man had just finished the last bit of glazing ................ and I put a BB right through the new pane and tagged Chief in the ass again. Chief let out a squeal and The Old Man looked at him, then at me and then took a small hunk of putty and filled in the BB hole and came down the ladder.

I didn't bother running. He had that look and I knew I was in for it good.

And I started laughing anyway. DOH!!!

I just couldn't help it. The sight of Chief hopping around again overcame me. The Old Man failed to see the humor of it all and cuffed me upside the head, yanked the old Red Ryder from my hands and smashed it against a big oak tree, totally destroying it.

And then he surprised me hell out of me and said, "Nice shot".


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