Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Welcome to flavor country...

Normally, this is where your Crazy Uncle would hit you with something slick and funny but I ain't that guy. I've been recruited by the Unc to come in and drop some knowledge on you avid readers so he can have a breather and catch some more ride time before Summer craps out. First off, a little about myself, I am a Southerner by birth and proud of it. And no, that doesn't mean I belong to any exclusive gentleman's clubs where white sheets are required attire. It does mean that I am a little different in my way of thinking and that will be reflected in my prose. My interest are many and the articles may be a little random at times but, variety is not a bad thing. (Unless you ask your wife.) Anyway, lots of ground to cover so let us get started.

Isn't that a great looking couple?

A lot to be said for a successful couple enjoying a hard earned vacation somewhere exotic. Just look at them. No doubt they are going to have some nice kids to go on and do some good for the stars and bars. That is what America is all about.

Now how the hell did these two get into the picture?

Well, honestly, they have always been there. In fact, it is nearly impossible to weed them out of any scene. Why, do you ask? Well, for same damn reason they are a lot more successful at breeding then the more affluent in our society. It could be that since they likely have no jobs or responsibilities it opens up quite a bit more time for them to indulge in recreational and unprotected sex. And that, my friend, leads to babies. Lots and lots of babies. So many babies that they are out breeding the tax payers at an alarming rate. On one hand, the baby boomers are retiring and becoming more reliant on the government while on the other, all these new babies from the legion of sexually charged unemployed flood us with new expense. That leaves you and I in the middle of a candle burning at both ends. Yep, you see it every time you go to Wal-Mart, hordes of these little devils running around with parents you just know are doing a good job. Yet, at the same time you see what appears to be intelligent well-dressed folks of breeding age oddly, with no kids. Eerie. Just what is going on with that. Every day in my line of work I see yet another trailer park honey inseminated by some near-do-well (age 16) while some of the ladies I work with are having fertility problems. What is up with that? I have worked in numerous different hospitals since '99 and it seems like in everyone of those I knew a young educated couple that was having a hard time trying to conceive. While at the same time, people that shouldn't be having kids are spitting them out like pop-tarts out of a toaster. Yeah man, sometimes two at a time. There has to be something primordial going on here. Something not on the surface. Maybe even something on the genetic level, bound in our very DNA. Perhaps we should look to nature for an answer. But first, we need a good example. Got it!

Enter the sea turtle.

Sea Turtles? Yes, sea turtles. Sea turtles are a dim-witted amphibian that swim in the open ocean and lay eggs but once a year. However, when they eggs they lay them over a hundred at a time. Why is that? Well, sea turtles don't hang around to raise their young so that makes them a little more susceptible to harm. In addition, when the eggs hatch all the baby sea turtles make a mad dash to the sea guided by instinct alone. During this period many of the hatching's are eaten by predators, become lost, or die of exposure. So, let us recap: parents not around, vulnerable youth in a strange place left unattended, predators at large. Yep, that sounds about right. See where I'm going with this? Let me elaborate some more. Nature recognizes that slow dim-witted animals fall prey to circumstance and accident far more often then creatures that have nurturing parents that keep their young from harm and teach them as they reach maturity. Hence, to compensate the less intellectually advantaged animals produce many more offspring to ensure that at least a few make it to breeding age. The real question is can this happen within a species? I think it can and has.

This is what the line to the tilt-a-whirl looks like at the county fair.

"I'ma going to get me that Motley Crue bandana."

The theory of evolution works on the premise that only the strong survive and that if a species does not adapt they will become extinct. Perhaps, we are seeing some of that here. If dumb parents are left to their own devices it is likely that very few of their offspring would make it to adulthood. These parents make poor choices for themselves and this extends to their young. Choices like: letting your kid eat poison berries, loosing track of your child, using them for bait to draw in predators, and of course poor hygiene and disease. On a modern note this is compounded by: drug abuse, fetal alcohol syndrome, exploitation, loading all the kids in the back of the pick-up with old Smokey the family hound, and living in a flimsy aluminum structure between the seven and ten pins of tornado alley. I surmise that these individuals are endowed with greater fertility to offset the likelihood of high infant mortality rates, accidents, and neglect. It is a plausible answer for the question at hand. Don't believe me? Well, go down to the local watering hole and witness the increased libido on display by this sect of society. In fact, an enhanced sex drive may be the mechanism by which they propagate this class of society. Oddly, it seems that all they have to do is have relations one time and, no matter what time of the month it is, it takes. Consider this, in most high schools lots of kids are having sex and a lot of that sex is unprotected, okay, now whose kids always end up pregnant? It ain't the captain of the football team, is it? And we know he is doing just fine in the hook up department so, there has to be something more. Who gets knocked up? Yeah, the guy in introduction to addition third year running and BeBe who failed home economics. Sit there and tell me that is perfectly natural. In nature the alpha male and alpha female are the most fit to breed and yet, the beta pair in our society is winning hands down. Moreover, in nature this would be circumvented because the less desirable offspring would have lower survival rates because they would fall to predation and disease quicker than the stronger members of the herd. Conversely, in our modern world they are protected from most predators (except uncle Albert, pervert.) and cured from disease. So, when little Johnny takes a handful of mom's cymbalta what happens? 911 to the rescue. When little Jenny gets in a knife fight for her colors, you guessed it, EMS stops the bleeding. Yes Virginia, Darwin is being defeated not by right wing bible thumpers but by nosey old ladies that have telephones. And all the while this is going on the smart couples are having to gulp clomid by the handfuls or are choosing not to breed at all. There it is old pal, the sea turtle theory. To recap: dumb people do dumb things and this leads to higher rates of disease and death, to offset this they are able to have more children, smart people have smart kids that are more likely to make it to adulthood, they don't need to have as many children. Consider the bald eagle.

Where can you find sea turtles? Well, the ocean is a good place to look for the real McCoy but we are talking about human turtles so, here are a few of my favorite places: the fair, Wal-Mart, monster truck shows, biker rallies, emergency rooms, any waiting room with cable, any venue where toplessness is smiled upon, crack houses, any form of motor vehicle racing where right turns are prohibited, taco bell, KFC, and you bet your ass a Chinese buffet. Okay kids, now for a scavenger hunt. 5 points for any turtle, 7 for a turtle with mutation/deformity, 10 for turtle with at least one parent within a 50 yard radius, and 600 points for a traditional nuclear turtle family with two parents within a 5 yard radius which is the rarest of all breeds. Winner with photographic proof gets an all expense paid trip to see Moley Hatchet at the Nipple Hut.

Hold my beer and watch this!!!

Sea turtles can often be found at these venues on Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!!!

Handy to have around the house.

This is the FN PS90, it is now available for civilian sale and is a great implement for those seeking a personal defense weapon not enamored by the AR-15 series of carbines. It is light, has great ergonomics, and is available with a 50 round magazine. It fires the 5.7x28mm round which is nothing more than a .22 cal round in a 28mm bottleneck case. Usable bullet weights for civvies is 40grs and muzzle velocity is around 2300fps. You do sacrifice some terminal energy compared to the 5.56 NATO round but you gain 20 rounds and it is a good bit shorter. FN offers a tri-rail model which allows you to mount the optic of your choice along with any light cluster you desire. 16" barrel is standard on the civilian model versus 10" for class lll. The gain is more velocity, the rub is more length. This would be a great weapon for home defense as it is loaded with frangible varmint bullets and is far easier to aim at any distance than a pistol. With optics and illuminators weight would be around 7-7.5 pounds but it is kept much closer to the body and would be a little bit easier to get around corners. Go to and check it out for the complete specs. One word of caution, hold out for the tri-rail as the original sight sucks. Real world price around $1600. Ammo-about a buck a round but it is reloadable.

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