Friday, September 30, 2005

The Downfall of The United States is Eminent..........

And the Chinese are laughing at us.

How, you ask, would I know this? Simple. We are Friggin' wimps! Look at the destruction caused by the recent hurricanes. Terrible, awful and unfortunate. All this damage from storms with names like Katrina and Rita.

Shit. Look what the Chinese named their latest typhoon - LONGWANG!! Now tell me those Bastards aren't laughing.

Check the link:

See, I did not make this shit up. Typhoons routinely kill people in the thousands over in that part of the world. But the ChiComs aren't worried about it that damn bad are they? Longwang indeed.

OK, these events may appear to be random and have no connection whatever. And that's probably the case. But shit, how could I not make a post about a typhoon named Longwang?

H/T -

Sunday, September 25, 2005

Funny for Today ............

I had to steal this one. From Shultzy -

Sam had been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress.
He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there. "Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road... Having a Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About 5:00..."
"Great," says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you... There's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem," says Sam. "After 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em."
Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
Sam says, "Well, I get along with people, I'll be alright. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Lars turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now that's really not a problem," says Sam, laughing. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I bring?" Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

More Random Quotes.......

"Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example" - Mark Twain
" Well, hang in there........."

As the road trip gets nearer, I'm starting to have flashbacks to my yoot. Specifically, "Then Came Bronson".

Coolest. TV. Show. Ever. - If you have testicles, anyway. Cool Dude on a Sportster, on a quest to see "There has to be more to life".

Shit. I was 12 or 13 when this show had it's one season run. Every Wednesday night, my brother and I would be glued to the old B&W Emerson.(That was before the little brother poured the milk in it)

Every week he'd pull up to the stoplight (While lane splitting) and the fella in the station wagon would ask him - "Where ya goin'?"

Bronson - "Wherever I end up, I guess."

Station wagon guy - "Man, I wish I was you."

Bronson - "Well, hang in there."

Maybe this link here will work - we'll see: Video of opening of the show.

Who the hell didn't want to do THAT!!

No, that didn't influence any young kids to want a bike. Nope. Not at all. I still get a hankerin' to buy a Sportster and do a copy job of that bike.

He fixed it once after a wreck by beatin' it with a rock. Even as a kid, I thought that was pretty appropriate for fixing a '69 Sportster.

As you can tell, I'm gettin' "Road Fever".

I may have some company for a few days. Dr. J and Mr. T, The Xray squid from work, may be joining me for the first few days of the trip. That part's not fer sure. We'll see if we can work that out. I'd be nice to ride with a couple of Buds' for a few days though. I'm hoping that works out but I'm still prepped to go solo, if that's how it goes.

Gathering and packing a little each day. I'm taking some minimal camping gear with me, bag, small tent and a tarp. Maybe a coffee pot and some minimal cooking utensils but not much more. Space and weight considerations won't allow too much.

I ordered some waterproof bags from Cabellas the other day. Two for the saddlebags as liners and two to carry other shit in. I still need a tool roll of some kind. It's been so long since I've done a long road trip, that I'm sure I'm gonna take a bunch of crap I won't use, and be short something I'm gonna need. Oh Well. That's what credit cards are for I guess. I've got two weeks and only a couple of places that I have to be during that time.

So far, it looks something like this - Leave Monday. Either Ohio or Kentucky to W. Virginia. Then to Roanoke to see a friend. Then the Blue Ridge Parkway to Carolina. Ride a day or two around there and over to London, KY (Via Deals Gap)on Saturday to meet up with the family at the annual Family "Hoe Down" and get together. After that? Memphis and the Guggenheim motorcycle display? Don't know. Don't care either. "Wherever I end up, I guess".

"Goin' down that long, lonesome highway. Gonna, live life my way."

Zombies are Everywhere......

And they all want Narcotics.

No, Really, they're everywhere. This picture was taken in the hospital parking lot on a recent Sunday afternoon.

Working in a small community hospital ER, you get to know a lot of the clientele waaaaaaay better than you'd ever want to, if given the choice.

All you can do is hope that they don't have anything seriously wrong with them. Then you can treat whatever Bullshit complaint they or their Kids, Neighbor, Parent, Cousin (may be the same as Parent), have and get them back to wherever they go to when they're not in my ER.

And where do they go when they're not at the ER? ................... WalMart! Yep, Wally World. I can go to Wally World anytime of the day or night and see at least 2 Zombies I know from the ER.

I stopped at the Wally World today to pick up a few things and BOOM. Zombie central. There must'a been 6 or 8 of them. It's 2am right now as I write this. I guarantee I can go there now and Zombies will be there. This is just one of those things you can count on in life.

They truly never sleep. They don't have to. They sure as hell aren't getting up in the morning to go to work. Very few Zombies have jobs. Lots of Zombies have Medicaid though. I guess being a Zombie could be considered a disability. But I wouldn't have thought stupid and lazy could be so debilitating as to qualify one for Government assistance. I must be wrong.

There are a lot of folks on assistance that don't qualify as Zombies, so this is not a blanket indictment here. Zombies are Zombies and you either are or you aren't one. It's not like it isn't pretty obvious if you're dealing with a Zombie or not.

This whole Zombie thing is a lot larger topic than I thought when I started this Bullshit. This could be an entire field of study all on it's own.

Hmmmmmmmmm...... I'm gonna have to think about this some more. I can see lots more fodder for fun on this subject.


Why is it that so many adult male Zombies where their hair in a Mullet?

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

More P.J. O'Rourke ...........

"Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective."

I love him.

Saturday, September 17, 2005

I'm Getting Excited....

2 weeks and I'm gonna be off on the road trip! WooHoo! I haven't taken a for real road trip for a long time and I'm getting stoked. The plan is to head South and East with a minimal amount of "Gotta Be" and a whole bunch of "This looks interesting". Flexibility has always been my best travel asset and I hope it doesn't fail me now.

I've got the Bike all up and running well. It's nasty dirty, but it runs well. I've started gathering crap and making lists of other crap I'm gonna need. Packing, as usual, will be a challenge. I'm traveling light (I have to, I'm on a motorcycle) but not as primitive as when I was young. I couldn't take those 400 - 500 mile days in the rain w/o a rainsuit anymore. I'm not sure why I did it then. Just a Dumbass, I guess. Didn't seem to matter at the time.

Lots of things to do yet. The list of "Gotta Get" stuff is already getting expensive. I'm gonna have to get resourceful in order to have enough cash left to enjoy myself and not be forced to digging into dumpsters behind the BurgerKing while on the road.

OK, It's not that bad. But as everyone knows, it's pretty hard to have too much spending money.

I'm really looking forward to this. Man, I hope the weather's nice. I'll settle for dry.

Friday, September 16, 2005

Random Quote......

I've been ignoring this blog as of late. Busy, busy, busy. I think I'll start tossing random quotes in for fun. Who better than P.J. O'Rourke to kick off a deal like this?

"There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences." - P.J. O'Rourke

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

The Lawn Tractor Gene.......

Damn, I seem to have inherited my Fathers luck with lawn tractors.

My Father (hereafter, lovingly refered to as The Old Man) had incredable bad luck when buying and maintaining lawn equipment. Most of that bad luck stemmed from the fact that he never bought anything new. He'd buy someone else's old, already on the way down equipment, drag it home and try to use it to cut the 5 acres we had.
These little tractors were always throwing or breaking belts. The old man would cuss and get in the truck and head off to the local repair shop and buy another, come home and replace it. And break it in less than a week. I can think of 4 or 5 different tractors that followed this pattern. Actually, all of his tractors followed this pattern.

The repair place was called Gruel Brothers and they sold and serviced equipment of all types and sizes. They must've sold the old man more belts than any other customer and became known as Cruel Brothers around our place.

Now I'm sure a lot of the reason the old man never just went out and spent good money on a good tractor had to do with the fact that he didn't have a bunch of good money most of the time. I'm sure he'd have rather done that if the option had been available to him. It wasn't and he did the best he could.

I must say I learned from watching him and have tried to not follow his pattern most of the time. Most of the time. My, now 5 year old tractor, has recently begun to make that downward slide and has started to throw and break all the belts on it. I've maintained this thing pretty well and it's done a pretty good job overall. But everything is becoming badly worn. I've been replacing bits and belts about everytime I've used it over the last couple of months. It hit me the other day that I was falling into the old mans trap and decided to replace the machine entirely. Till I went shopping. OMFG!!! Damn, those things have gone up in price. Being the cheapass that I am, I went looking for close outs and bargins. I finally struck a deal with Ken, from the local Wally World. He had a few leftovers he was wanting to get rid of. These had been new in 2003, so they were really 2 years old but never used. The trouble is, they'd been sitting outside all Summer and wouldn't start. Not a problem. I made a deal on a $1000 mower to take it "as is" for $475 and a promise not to come whining about it later.

Went down there this morning and picked it up. Drug it home in the old red truck and proceeded to figure out why it wouldn't start. Cleaned contacts and cables all over - nothing. Hmmmmmmmm. Got a new battery in the deal, BTW. Strated tracing the power circuit to the starter and it seemed to all be complete? Hmmmmmm. Finally, I jumped it directly at the starter and it turned over. After it sounded like a bomb went off. The starter was locked up. Works now but the main switch is gonna need some more cleaning as it's still a little hit and miss. Greased everything up and changed the oil. Should have cleaned the carb some but it ran ok and smoothed out pretty quick, so I said "Screw it".

The good news is, I saved myself $500 bucks and got the lawn cut. This mower is almost identical to the one it's replacing also, so those new belts, new blades and what not on the old one will eventually be cannibalized as replacements.

The friggin' grass was about nine feet tall in front yard, so the new little mower got a pretty good work out.

Sunday, September 04, 2005

I'm Young and I Will Be Daring Enough to Be an Individual! ......... Just like All My Dumbass Friends.

Yep, Nothin' Pa likes more than to see a group of "individuals" all gathered together, looking alike. Nothin' says "Individual" like everyone in the group looking the same.

This is not a new phenomena by any means. We had Friggin Nehru Jackets and Bell Bottoms. And Paisley, can't forget Paisley.

But kids could move on from trend to trend as things changed (and believe me they will) without any lasting evidence or damage from their stupidity and collective Coolness attempts, while being Trend Puppies.

Which brings me to Tattoos. Or if you wish ........ Body Art. All the hip, cool and best Bands during the early 60's wore butt ugly shit fer clothes. And a whole bunch of folks who tried to identify with them, wore that Dumbass shit too. Try finding an original "Mod Cap, or Nehru Jacket" anywhere now. Aint gonna have to much luck. There's a reason for that, Skippy. That crap made just about everyone who ever wore it look like Fido's Ass. That crap came and went fast - Thank God.
All trends should have a timestamp on them with a tag that shows when the coolness factor expires. That would've helped a bunch of Morons in the past. And it would certainly help a bunch of the Morons out there now even more.

You do see where this is going, right? Pa would hope so; but no one ever went broke betting on human stupidity yet.
You can change your outfit. Your Hair. Your Friends. Accessories and vehicles. Your Attitude and Your music choices. But one thing you cannot do is -

You cannot wash a G** D**N Tattoo off, DUMBASS !!

And just because you like it now doesn't mean a damn thing. Times change and people change. Most of you will too, hopefully. No really, I mean that in the nicest possible way. Or at least as nicely as I get anyway. The Tattoo thing is certainly not a trend that has confined it'self to the younger crowd either. And believe me - Nuthin' looks better to Pa, than a fat, middle aged woman, with a big friggin' Unicorn inked on her leg. Or worse yet, her tit. So I'm not picking on any one particular demographic group here. Feel better now?

Now, when you combine the Tattoos with a bunch of piercings - Oh yeah, that really completes the ensemble. I can already hear the squeals of "You're judging me on the way I look. Not for who I am!"

Yeah, No Shit. Whether you realise it or not, that's what ALL people do until they get a chance to "Know who you are". You may be the nicest, smartest and best person on the friggin planet but if you look like a Doofus, people will think you're a Doofus.

Oh Yeah, I especially like those big ear plugs that make a hole in your ear lobe big enough that you could put a spark plug in them. Combine that with a collection of metal stickpins, stuck thru your face in various places and a few Tribal Tattoos ...... Oh hell yes. Nothing says "I have no will of my own." Or, "I will do anything to be cool", quicker. And yes, like it or not, people will make judgements about your characture and common sense, based only on the simple fact that you are stupid enough to permanantly disfigure yourself for the sake of being accepted as cool. I know it's shallow, Skippy, but that's the way it is.

And think about who those Bastards are that are gonna be making those judgements too. Potential Employers. That's a good place to start. Like it or not, most of you will need to be employed and support yourselves and families. If those employers are given a choice between two, equally qualified candidates ....... Who do you think they're gonna hire? Especially if it's a job where there is a lot of face time with the publik? - "Let's see here. We could hire Fuckin' Leatherface with the stainless steel antennae sticking out of his face everywhere and the Tattoos all over......... Or we could hire this guy who is not likely to immediately alienate the folks we're trying to separate from they're money? Hmmmmmmmmm" Gee, put yourself in their place for a second and see if you can figure it out.

So it can have a very bad effect on your employment opportunities and subsequent earning potential. That alone should make you consider long and hard about how badly you want that second eyebrow piercing. It may well effect you negatively for life. God forbid, an Asshole like you may have kids someday, but it will negatively effect them too if you're not earning up to your potential because you want to look cool now. Most of you Dumbass's will live longer than you think. And the longer you live, the more your attitudes and outlook on things will change with time. Trust me. Being a Rob Zombie look alike may seem like a great idea now........ Not a great career move.

I could go on with this shit for days. There are so many more reasons to not disfigure yourself for the sake of being accepted as a member of the
"Borg collective of Individuals that all Look Alike".
If you want to be a true individual - Don't follow the crowd.

OK Kids, That's the first installment in the series of - "Pa's Shit to Think About".

This was a request rant for TherapyBoy. Not my usual but it was fun, none the less.

Friday, September 02, 2005

Overheard in the ER..........

Ward Clerk after speaking to Ultrasound on the phone:

"The Testicles in room 5 can go over now!"
"Tire tracks all across your back, I can see you've had your fun...."

OK, apologies to Jimi Hendrix for stealing that line.

Anyway, My Bestest Buddy is Steve. We've known each other for ..... 35 years maybe? Lots of the goofy shit I've ever been involved in had Steve in the picture somewhere. Steve and I rode motorcycles together constantly for years. We're both pretty good riders and we both always seemed to have pretty comparable bikes. So it was always good tight competition between us when we rode together. We were both a couple of squirrels and drove like idiots on a daily basis.

The one thing I never learned to do well was wheelie. But Steve could. He'd pull it up and keep it on the back wheel real well & real cool.

I was pumping gas at the local Texaco station one afternoon when here comes Steve on his Kawasaki 250. He whips around the corner and stands it up. Shifts into 2nd while up on the rear wheel. WooHoo!! Lookin' good.

Except Georges dog decided to cross the street at about the time Steve pulled around the corner! George lived across the street from the Texaco and his dog was a curly haired, little Bastard mix about knee high.

It was beautiful. Steve hit that dog and that Kawasaki pitched forward and sent Steve over the front and into the street rolling. The Dog hauled ass home and didn't look any worse for wear.

Steve ended up flat on his face spread eagle on the street. Ordinarily, that would have been funny enough but by a strange confluence of luck, physics and karma, Steve's bike was still upright and hadn't fallen over .......... yet. It did eventually fall over. But not till it had run over Steve first.

I was pumping gas into a pickup truck and the driver and I both went from wondering if he was hurt bad to laughing our asses off immediately. Could not help it. As luck would have it, Steve, the motorcycle and the Dog were all ok.

When I got to Steve he was still in the street, face down. And right across his white shirt was a big tire track from his own motorcycle! I'm sure that if Steve had been able to breath right then he'd have pounded me into the pavement for laughing like I was, but hell, How could I not?

He's the only guy I know who has been run over by his own motorcycle.