Friday, December 29, 2006

Better Use This One Quick ...........

Found this item in the comments section at SondraK's place today.

It sounds like The Iraqi's are gonna hoist him in the very near future. Tomorrow Maybe?

It's not like he didn't earn it or anything.

Here's a Better Way to Support the Troops ......

Both Ace and SondraK had this info up yesterday, but I needed something here to offset the Moonbattery of those last 2 lefty hate fests posted below. All that wickedness will screw up your Karma. Sooooooooo. I think this is better than focusing on the negative side of life.

This young lady has created an old style PinUp Calendar for Vets.

Yeah, I'm sure this is much more positive.
Part of the proceeds (No, I don't know how much. Nor do I care) go to Veteran support projects.

I'm sure this calendar would look good on any barracks wall, so send one to your Active Duty Kids. They can also send one to a wounded vet for you.

Personally, I like that option.

I'll get this up on the links today. Maybe.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

I'm Afraid This is Gonna Be a Regular Thing ............

Geez, I thought they were gonna lighten up a bit now that the Democrats were back in the saddle. The crazy ass reactions to a little Girl singing a song to her brother (see post below) and now this crazy ass shit over a guy who was basically a chair warmer?

This worries me. Unk isn't used to being wrong about this kinda shit. But I've been Waaaaaaaaaay wrong on how deep the hatred runs out there. This is a disturbing thing for me. I knew the hate was already crazy bad. But Damn. How crazy are these folks?

Check this shit out.

professor Schlong has a nice collection of quotes from the
Inmates at Democratic Underground regarding the death of President Gerald Ford.

Here's a small sample -

"May he rot in hell for his cowardice and complicity."

"The guy was an EVIL MOTHERFUCKER who sent many innocent Americans to death for war profits. Fuck him and the bunch who rode in with him. 'm glad he is dead! I only wish he suffered more!"

"Ford was a bumbling idiot of a politician alright and little else except an enabler for the gop lies that continue to this day. Good damn riddance, thats my opinion"

"If you can't say anything nice about a person....then that person must be a recently deceased republic president."

Hmmmmmmmmmm. That may give you a small insight of what the "Progressive Wing of the Democratic Party" is all about these days. Remember this. The Democratic Underground is not some little fringe website. This is one of the largest political sites on the web. They are Web linked by most every major Democratic organization, candidate and politician.

Those folks quoted above? Yeah, Meet the new boss.

I've pretty much gotten away from polictical commentary. Mostly, because there are a million others out there who do it way better than I do. And a guy like me isn't going to be able to make any damn difference about the way most anyone feels or thinks about politics. Or any other shit, either.

But the irrational hatred thing going on is just weird and wrong. Real wrong. Unk is felling a "Distubance in the Force" that is very ............. Troubling. I've not been paying attention to this crap for quite awhile.

Maybe I'll start paying more attention.
"But We Support the Troops"...........
Mary Katherine Ham offers up a great example of just HOW leftists "Support Our Troops". HERE.

Damn! She's just a little girl, singing a song about how she misses her big brother.

I can't explain this BS. That level of hatred is so off the chart ...............

Shit. I'm going for a ride and to further field test my new helmet. These Fucknozzles are hopeless.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Unk Buys Himself a Christmas Gift ............

I broke down and bought myself a new Motorcycle Helmet.
Yep. Bright Ass Yellow.

I want those goofy Bastards in the SUV's to see me coming. MAYBE then they'll quit pulling out in front of me. I ain't holding my breath on that one, but a guy can hope anyway.

The UPS Girl dropped it off this morning. Since it was sunny and 'sposed to get up around 50 degrees .............. I decided to give it a test drive.

I actually took a few minutes to read and figure out how to work all the air vents and installed the breath guard and chin curtain.

The fit is perfect. It's a very comfortable helmet.

First thing I noticed was, even with the faceshield up, my glasses started fogging up. Not good.
I'm not sure why, but that seemed to lessen some the longer I wore it. When you're in motion and riding along it is very quiet and you can really feel the breeze pulling thru the vents. No fogging when you're moving. Fogs like a bitch when you slow down or stop though.

This may be a combination of -
1) The Weatherman lied. It never got above 42 degrees.
2) I haven't figured out the proper configuration of the vents yet to maximize the air flow.
3) The SOB if just like that and I'm gonna be pissed.

Right now I'm afraid it's #3. I rode for about 4 hours to test it and I had to crack the shield open every time I came to a stop. This doesn't look good for those Summer rain days. Days when cracking open the shield allows rain to get on the inside of the shield and makes you look through spots you're unable to wipe away.

Speaking of that. The shield locks down and seals like a champ.

Damn. I may call New Enough tomorrow and ask them about this shit. I'm not sure what the hell I'm gonna do at this point. New Enough is a great company and I doubt they would give me any grief about sending it back.

If the weatherman isn't lying again, I'll take another ride tomorrow and see if it's any better in warmer weather.

I really like the helmet. But shit, for as much money as the damn thing cost, I'd expect less fogging. We'll see what developes.

Monday, December 25, 2006

Christmas Downer. James Brown Dead .............

Well crap. I realize, probably better than most of you, that Christmas is just another day when it comes to death.

But damn if I wasn't sorry to hear about The Godfather of Soul passing away early this morning.

My older brother, Chief was the one who turned me on to Soul Music at an early age.
When I was about 15, I had a big poster of him on my wall. The Old Man didn't get it and was worried about me. He wasn't the most enlightened guy and Soul Music, like most everything else we listened to just drove him nuts.

And all you "Moon Walk" MoFo's? Michael f*ckin' Jackson did NOT invent that shit. James Brown did.

Michael Jackson never has nor never will dance as funky as James Brown. James Brown was a real MAN.

End of story.

Sunday, December 24, 2006

The Best Christmas Gift I Ever Got ...........

Wasn't even a gift intended for me, nor did I get to keep it. I know that doesn't make sense, so let me explain ...........

Christmas Eve 1999, I was working the day shift and it was a relatively slow morning so far. It was about 25 degrees out, snowing pretty hard and it looked like we were gonna get a white Christmas.

At about 8:15 that morning, a young fella comes strolling in the backdoor and tells me he needs a wheelchair for his wife, who he tells me is ready to deliver her baby. Cool. He's acting all cool and shit, so I scoop up a wheelchair and head out towards the back. I'm asking him all the stock questions as we go. Seems her water broke about 30 minutes ago. It's her second child and she hasn't had any contractions yet.

These are all good answers and he was right on 2 out of 3.

We go outside and I see a brand new shiny red Mustang GT parked at the curb with a young woman in the passanger seat. And that's when I also noted that she had - THE LOOK.

Uh Oh.

Now Dad was still not aware that things were not quite as he believed them to be at this point, but I started moving faster and paying less attention to him and more towards what I was seeing in the Mustang.

Sure as shit, when I got close, the young Mother looked out the open window at me and screamed - "The Baby's Coming!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I hauled ass over there and she's got both feet up on the dashboard grunting and puffing like Teddy Kennedy at a Sorority House Party. She tells me the baby's coming and I believe her at this point. Oh Crap!! My "Pucker Factor" hits Warp 9 and I send Dad running back to the ER for Backup.

The young Lady had on a pair of white sweat pants so I just pulled them out and ......... DAMN!!
The Kid's head is already out!!! I yanked her pants down, kinda up in this case, and was really wondering where my coworkers and Doctor were at this point.

Now she's in the front bucket seat of a little sportscar with her feet up on the dashboard. The ergonomics were not real good for delivering a Baby, so I'm fumbling like mad, trying to find the seat release to lay that seat back.

She's sweating and grunting. I'm sweating and scared as hell and trying to find that damn seat release, when all of a sudden I found it.

She was braced, with those feet on the dash, pushing like hell when I popped that seat release and ...... WHAM!! That seat flew back and that Kid came flying out of there like a shot!

Now, I'm a "Crosseyed Little FuckTard" or CELF, and have the hand/eye coordination of most Garden Slugs, but I made a one handed stab that would have made any Major League Shortstop proud and snatched that Kid up in midflight and then immediately went into brain lock.

Thank G-d, the brain lock only lasted a few seconds as that Kid was blue as a Smurf and not breathing. My brain re-engaged and I started rubbing the little shit, while keeping it's (I didn't know what the sex was yet) head point down to drain anything from it's mouth.

After what seemed like an eternity, that kid took a big ol' breath and then let out a very nice sounding cry. Mom and I started breathing again at that point.

Finally, Suzie came out the back door with a cart and Dad was right behind her. Now remember, it was 25 degrees out and snowing hard and I'm holding this steaming little baby and trying to figure out what the hell to do next. I calmly screamed like a little school girl, "I GOT A DAMN BABY HERE!!!!!" I then had Dad take off his Greatful Dead, tie dye tee shirt and utilized it as a swaddling cloth.

The Doctor finally came sauntering out, taking his sweet ass time and Suzie about ran his ass over carrying the "Precipitous Delivery Package" out to the car.

So here I am holding this slimey little bundle in my bare hands and the first word out of Dumbass Doc's mouth is to ask me for a Bulb syringe so he can suction out the baby's mouth.

I politely replied that, "I would be happy to shit one out for you if you have a minute, but I really thought you may have thought to bring one with you. Asshole". He was not impressed with my answer. We clamped and cut the cord and Doc, Suzie and Dad took off inside with the Baby, leaving Mom and me still out in the car.

I looked at mom, and since she was a little bitty thing, I just reached in and snatched her ass up and tossed her on the cart. Her pants were still down around her ankles and her ass was hanging out in the wind, but I figured it was the thing to do at the time. She didn't seem to mind.

As I was wheeling her into the ER she asked me if it was a Boy or a Girl.

I had no clue. I had held the Baby face down the entire time and never even saw the business side of things.

Turned out it was a 6 lb 6 oz little Girl who had all her fingers and toes in order and she did just fine. Mom and Baby were moved up to the OB floor shortly afterward.

So that was the best Christmas gift I never got - 7 years ago today. I forget what they named her, but I wanted to call her "Mustang Sally".

But nobody asked me.
Merry Christmas To Ya'll ..............

We here at the GrumpyUnk Command and Control Bunker, wish each and all - 3 or 4 of you who read this crap - a sincere Merry Christmas!

Unk be going to work shortly and the ER will be hoppin' again today. So I figured I better say what I have to say now. Don't know when I'll get a chance later.

Here's that beautiful picture of Christmas at Arlington National Cemetery again.

Say a prayer for all of our Service Men and Women will Ya?

And don't think that, just because it's too late for Christmas gifts, you can't click on a support organization or 2 on the sidebar over on the right there and still help. Yeah over there ->.

They're gonna be there for awhile and can use our help all year round.

God Bless 'em all.

Unks gotta run.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

No Really, I Don't Want to Buy a Damn Flower ..........

No, This post has absolutely nothing to do with Billy Idol. The picture just makes me laugh.

I can picture him doing a Christmas special. Ok, maybe not.

Anyway -

I've written HERE before about my Bestest Buddy, Steve. The only person I've ever seen get run over by his own motorcycle. Yeah, that's an accomplishment most Riders can't brag about.

I was out in the Garage a bit ago smoking. It's really nasty outside tonight and it reminded me of a night a long time ago when Steve and I were on a rode trip with similar weather ................

We'd already been riding for 2 weeks up into and around in Canada and had crossed back into the States at buffalo, NY. We were on our way to West Virginia to see his family there and We'd already had a shit load of good times. Even though it had rained for the first eight days of the trip we'd had a great time already and it looked as if the weather was gonna improve. It was bright and sunny that morning as we came through Customs and re-entered the States.

Then we ended up on that G-D Awful, Toll Road around Buffalo. Holy Crap! A toll Booth every 30 - 40 yards! We spent all of our breakfast money in the first 4-5 miles on tolls. That's when I saw a sign heading South.

A big Green Sign and an Arrow, saying "New Rochelle". Well, Shit. Laura Petrey? Dick VanDyke? Hell, that's all we needed to see after the Toll Road of Buffalo. South it is!

It turned out that Hwy 62 was a hell of a nice ride. I really don't know if we even went through New Rochelle, NY. Didn't matter. The weather was great and the road was nice (At least it was way back then). We had a great ride across New York and into Pennsylvania.

Then the weather went to shit. Started raining and the temperature dropped into the low 40's. Now, I'll bet Hwy 62 is a hell of a nice ride in Penn. It follows the Allegheny River and is curvy and I'm sure, it's fun to ride in good weather and daylight.

It was friggen' miserable that night. Neither of us had decent rain gear and we were soaked and freezing. I mean COLD. We kept pushing on. Mostly because we were to stupid to stop, but there wasn't any place to stop anyway, for what seemed like forever.

We finally ended up in Oil City, Pennsylvania. We pulled into a 7-11 type Gasso, to fill up and warm up. We topped off the bikes and headed inside to get some coffee and warm up. Standing outside of this place was a Moonie selling flowers. I never see Moonies anymore, but there were a lot of them around then.

He tried to sell us each a flower by getting between us and the door. We both growled, pushed him out of the way and kept heading towards the coffee, figuring we needed that more than a damn flower.

We hung out inside warming up, till the clerk started getting nervous. We then went outside and Damn, that Asshole Moonie, tried to sell us a flower AGAIN.

Knowing Steve like I do, when he put on his Game Face and told that guy, "You bother Me one more time about those Flowers, I'm gonna Fuck You up" - I knew what was coming.

Sure enough. Not 2 minutes later, Moonie Boy came back hitting us up to buy a flower. Steve and I both had a coffee in one hand and a doughnut in the other.
Steve calmly put the doughnut in his mouth and .............................. WHAM!! He blasted Moonie Boy right in the chops.

Flowers, teeth and Moonie Boy flyin' everywhere. Damn, it hurt me just seeing him land 4-5 feet from where he was standing. He was just laying there, spread eagle on the ground.
Out like a light.
Flowers all over him.
It was beautiful.

Then the Cop, who had been parked in the alley walked up. SHIT.

He looked at Moonie Boy.
He looked at us.

Back at Moonie Boy.
Back at us.

Nobody said a word for what seemed like a loooooong time. The Cop just kept looking back and forth between us and what was rapidly becoming, in my mind, an Abstract Art exhibit titled - "Moonie Boy with Bloody Flowers in the Rain".

Neither Steve or I wanted to say a damn word. We just stood there holding our breath. I was thinking to myself, "Well at least it'll be warmer in jail than where we've been tonight".

Finally, the Cop says to Steve - "I told him not to bother you two". And he calmly walked back to his car and called for EMS to come pick up the "Art Exhibit" still bleeding in the parking lot.

We hauled ass and kept motoring.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Oh, Was That My Head, Your Knee Ran Into in the ER, Yesterday??

Nothing says, "Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men" - like a friggen' knee to the back of the head. Did I not tell you that the Holiday Season brings out the best in the Zombies?

"I'm so depressed!! My life sucks!! I want to kill myself!! Except, I don't have the balls to really do it!! I want you all to feel sorry for me - as long as it's on my terms."

Jeepers!! A suicide attempt is against the law, people. Don't be a scoff law, dammit!!


Don't drink a bunch of beer, take a handful of pills and immediately call your loved one and tell them about your asshole move. Your Insignificant Other will call 911 and EMS will have to bring your dumb ass into the ER. Then some poor, burnt out RN like me will have to do shit that you won't like. Needles and tubes. Think, Needles and Tubes.

Oh, and fighting with the ER staff and the Police will NOT make you look like a stud.

But that bastard DID get a knee into the back of my head. Surprised the shit out of me that the fat bastard was flexible enough to do that.

My bad. I must be slippin'.

No, I didn't choke the shit out of him or drill him in the chops. Sure, I thought about it for a second, but I'd get in a world of shit and Zombies are just not worth gettin' in trouble over. Somehow, ER Nurses are just expected to put up with this kinda shit.

No, I don't know why that is. I've pressed charges on a few of 'em, but nothing happens. The Zombie Lawyer uses that charge as a barginning chip in the plea agreement and a charge of - "Fu*king with the ER Nurses" doesn't seem to carry much weight. Poof! They just magically dissappear.

I will say that the local cops are none to gentle with Zombies who f**k with the Nurses. Bless 'em. ER workers and Cops, have a symbiotic relationship. I always try to help the Cops and Damn, they sure help me when I need 'em. They just weren't there yet.

I'm upset that I let that Zombie sandbag me into thinking things were cool. That never would have happened a few years ago.

Santa Facts ................

This info comes via Greg Beck One seriously entertaining guy. I will have to add him on the next links update. I'm shamelessly stealing this whole damn post of his here. Yeah, I'm a dick, but you should go and check him out, anyway.

"I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out the fuckin flying reindeer which only Santa seems to have ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion stinkin assed kids (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist bed-wetter’s, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau.
At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight.
On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison--this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth. “The boat, not the old chick”.

5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each.

In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now."
See why I like this guy?

Monday, December 18, 2006

Patriot Guard Ride Today ................

Got up this morning and was checking the email and saw that there was a Patriot Guard mission today for a young Airmen. This was a rather hasty gathering and the organizers only had one day to get the word out. I haven't ridden to a Patriot Guard Riders (PGR) gathering in quite some time and was feeling guilty about that just the other day so I changed my plans for the day and hauled off to points North.

They really did a heck of a job. There were not a whole lot of PGR folks there, 25-30, but the mission organizers had set up a bunch of flags around the Funeral Home and the local Firemen brought a ladder truck which had a huge flag on the ladder. This was extended up over the street and facing the funeral home. Very nice. I'll try to get some pics for you.

It's always a very moving thing for me to be able to show respect and thankfulness for Our Fallen Heros and their Families and I think, the PGR does a wonderful service for those who have sacrificed for us.

If you're not familiar with the Patriot Guard Riders, here's their Mission Statement:

Patriot Guard Riders Mission Statement

The Patriot Guard Riders is a diverse amalgamation of riders from across the nation. We have one thing in common besides motorcycles. We have an unwavering respect for those who risk their very lives for America's freedom and security. If you share this respect, please join us.

We don't care what you ride or if you ride, what your political views are, or whether you're a hawk or a dove. It is not a requirement that you be a veteran. It doesn't matter where you're from or what your income is; you don't even have to ride. The only prerequisite is Respect.

Our main mission is to attend the funeral services of fallen American heroes as invited guests of the family.

Each mission we undertake has two basic objectives.

1. Show our sincere respect for our fallen heroes, their families, and their communities.

2. Shield the mourning family and friends from interruptions created by any protestor or group of protestors.

We accomplish the latter through strictly legal and non-violent means.

To those of you who are currently serving and fighting for the freedoms of others, at home and abroad, please know that we are backing you. We honor and support you with every mission we carry out, and we are praying for a safe return home for all.

Pretty straight forward and simple.

The people I have met at the missions I have been able to go to are really special. Lots of Harley's and Black Leather. Everyone is friendly, helpful and they are all focused on doing their best for the Families of The Servicemembers. These guys and gals are what I would call - Top Shelf.

I would encourage any and all of you to think about becoming active in the PGR. If you have any questions, I would be happy to answer whatever I can. Either leave me a comment or email me at the address on the profile page.

Friday, December 15, 2006

Now This Looks Promising ..............

"Diabetes breakthrough
Toronto scientists cure disease in mice"

We'll have to see if THIS pans out. Any type of help for Diabetics would be a good thing.

"Diabetic mice became healthy virtually overnight after researchers injected a substance to counteract the effect of malfunctioning pain neurons in the pancreas."

Wait a minute. They were testing this shit on Mice!?!?

Better not let This Asshole hear about that. Because, ya know it's better to let kids die than to use mice in experiments.

Here, have a toke. It's easier to follow the logic if you do.

Knock, Knock. Anybody out There????????????
After a few hectic days, I'm doing absolutely nothing today. Took a short bike ride today in the 50 to 60 degree weather here. Global Warming? Who gives a shit?

Worked a few extra days and about wore my ol' ass out. I don't know what I'd do if I had to really work for a living all the time. Damn lucky that generally, I only have my normal 3 days a week. That includes the 2nd job, BTW. Yeah, I got it good.

Then why am I so damn grumpy lately?

Don't know where I stole these at or I'd tell ya. I'm wondering if Santa will bring me something along these lines. Hopefully she owns a liquor store, too.

There's only 10 days till Christmas, so I better start using some of these pics. That's it for now.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Takin' Care of Bizness ............

With apologies to BTO for stealing that line, but that's where I've been lately. One of the Nurses I work with fell asleep while driving home the other morning and ran her car into a tree. She's pretty badly injured and will be laid up for some time even after she get's out of the hospital.

She injured herself pretty badly and I've been pickin' up some of the shifts here to help out the boss. You kids be nice for now and I'll be back in a day or 3.

Maybe say a prayer for her and her family in the meantime. Her husband recently had a fall and broke his arm and it looks like he's gonna have to have surgery on it again. Don't know how either of them will be able to keep up with the 2 little ones.

Troubles, troubles, troubles. She's too nice of a person to have to deal with this. She'll be alright in the long run, but things are gonna' be rough for awhile.

Gotta run.

Friday, December 08, 2006

Exxon Valdez? That Was Nothin' .............

Everyone's heard the story of the Exxon Valdez.

(Cue Music, Here)
What do you do with a drunken sailor?
What do you do with a drunken sailor?
What do you do with a drunken sailor?
Early in the morning?
Put him in charge of an Exxon Tanker!
Put him in charge of an Exxon Tanker!
Put him in charge of an Exxon Tanker!
Early in the morning!
(Fade Music)

Yeah, drunk Captain runs Supertanker aground and spills oil all over the place. Bah! Where's the excitement in that?

The day that the Redneck Valdez burned? THAT was exciting.

The Redneck Valdez? That's the name of my old red Ford Pickup truck. It's a ratty old junker that I used to haul shit around with and occasionally drive to work.

I named it, The Redneck Valdez, because it looks like it's been run aground and wherever you park it? There's an oil spill. Simple really.

And what oil doesn't leak out while parked, gets blown out the exhaust pipe while driving. Not, "A Little Oil either", I'm talking A LOT of oil. In the neighborhood of 1 quart every 60 miles or so. Coupled with the 10 mpg (highway mileage) gas consumption, you can see how The Redneck Valdez doesn't get a lot of use other than hauling things from point A to point B.

Circumstances forced me to drive the old beast to work one Friday afternoon. 60 miles each way. Hey, just take it easy, make sure there's some extra oil, and stay in the slow lane on the Interstate. What can go wrong?

I'd been using it to carry a load of straw, a mower and some other BS the day before and had to get all that shit unloaded before going to work, which I did. Well most of it anyway and hit the highway.

I hit the Interstate and headed South for the longer than usual drive. It was the 4th of July weekend and the traffic was crazy heavy and I was chugging along at 55 in the slow lane and pissing off everyone, but things were going ok, overall.

Now I've got a bit of a vision problem, as in, I don't see much out of my right eye. I'm used to it and do OK most of the time, but I kept getting this weird impression of seeing something in my rearview mirror. I'd look up and check to be sure and there'd be nothing but the traffic behind me. This happened repeatedly for about 10 miles and it was starting to bother me and My Official Trouble Sensor, Spider Sense, or whatever you call it was beginning to ping pretty hard.

Traffic was very heavy, but I tried to keep checking the mirror more frequently and sure enough, just for a second, I thought I saw a wiff of smoke back there. I was just getting to the WTF is that shit coming from stage, when all of a sudden, a BUNCH of smoke started coming from the back of the truck!

Remember all that straw I'd been carrying? Yeah, there was a LOT of loose straw still left back there and one of my cigarette butts I had tossed had landed back there and started it alight. Those fleeting images in the mirror? The smoldering straw.

There was a minivan right on my bumper and when I next looked up the whole bed of the truck went up in flames. Whoosh! All I could hear were tires squealing and horns behind me.

Hey, it's only some loose straw. No big deal, right? Wrong. There was a plastic, 5 gallon can of gasoline right in the middle of the conflagration.

I thought to myself, Shit I'm not driving a truck, I'm driving a damn bomb!

There was a guardrail on the side of the road and not much room to pull over, but I whipped over while leaving only a small streak of red paint on the rail. I jumped out the passenger window and started thinking of Richard Pryor. Oh Shit, Oh Shit, Oh Shit. Like I said, there was a LOT of straw and it was really burning. Flames were 3 feet above the cab now.

As luck would have it, there was a 1/2 full bucket of water back there too. I dumped that over and put out the flames, breathed a sigh of relief ............ and saw the Peterbilt that was aimed right at and bearing down on the back of the, now smoldering Redneck Valdez. I jumped over the guardrail and rolled down the embankment about 6-8 feet and waited for the crash which I was sure was gonna happen, but didn't occur.

I sat there for a second and then crawled back up to the truck and gave everything a quick look see. Hmmm. Everything looked ok, so I crawled back into the passenger window and got behind the wheel again. That's when I noticed that the drivers side mirror was knocked forward into the front fender.

Damn. That was close.

Then I started laughing like a Retard with a new container of Silly Putty, thinking about the driver of that Minivan! He, most certainly got a shock from The Burning of The Redneck Valdez!

This Picture Still Leaves Me ............


I found this pic at The Freedom Folks last year.

Arlington National Cemetery. What more can you say?

I'll be randomly adding this pic to posts from now till Christmas.

Just 'cause I feel like it.

The Freedom Folks link on the sidebar was another one that got lost during the big links mess. Darn, that's ANOTHER one I have to get put back over there. I'm really gonna have to get motivated.
Tis The Season ................

I went shopping for Christmas today. Not that I haven't purchased a few already, but today I actually left the house and drove to a real store. Hooked the DogBoy up wiff somethin' cool and the DogBoy will be pleased. The little shit.

I so hate to shop. I don't even like shopping for myself. But, since I was in the neighborhood I stopped in at Gander Mountain. Damn near bought a pistol. But, I was out to buy presents for others, so I held the urge in check. Yeah, I'm a damn Saint.

I've got a shitload of funny stuff around here so I'm gonna be tossing it out as the Season progresses. I may have posted these last year. Who knows? I

still like 'em so there ya go.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Always Listen to Your Mom .................

Remember how Mom always told you to have clean undies, in case you ever ended up in the ER? Yeah, I think most of us heard that at least once.

A few weeks ago, EMS brought in an elderly man in full cardiac arrest. He had a scar on his chest, indicating he had had a cardiac bypass sometime in the past. That's about all the info we had. During the course of the resuscitation, his pants were removed. Lo and Behold, instead of Boxers or Tighty Whities, he was wearing a Gold Lame', woman's Bikini bottom.

This kind of thing always makes for some pretty interesting conversation. Most of which I won't detail here.

Unfortunately, his will to die overcame our efforts to save him and resuscitation efforts were called off. One of the students asked, "What do you think happened"?

I calmly explained to her that having an obvious cardiac history, when he began having chest pains, he realized he would be going to the ER. Knowing that he was wearing his special fancy undies .....
............... He died of embarrassment.
December 7th, 1941 .......................

Never forget our hero's. Those of yesterday and those serving today.

Please, Sign up today and sponsor a Soldier, Sailor, Airmen or Marine. I'd really like any and all of you to think about this.

I had most of the following links on the sidebar until the big link crash a few months back. Shame on me for not getting them back up before now. Well, better late then never.

Seriously, I would encourage all of you to take a few minutes of your time and donate a few bucks to at least one of these organizations.

Here's a few links for you to get started with. I'll get these back on the sidebar where they belong tonight.
Soldiers Angels.

The USO - Send a USO care package


The Fisher House

Wounded Warrior Project

Adopt a Platoon

I know, everyone is tugging at your wallet this time of year and we all have only so much we can spare ........ But please consider spending a few bucks to help out and support our Service Members who sacrifice so much. So willingly. For so many.

We here at GrumpyUnk Central contribute to both Soldiers Angels and the USO. I would like to challenge each of you who find there way here to contribute somehow.

If you have a blog or a website? Do some linkage to the above sites. I don't get any friggin' traffic here, so if you do, or can help. Have at it.

Think about getting a Corporate thing going at your place of business. I should figure out something on that angle for those cheap bastards I work for. Hmmmmmmmmmmm.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Unbelievable Happening This Morning in the ER ...............

EMS brings in a young female from her home. Patient is unresponsive and Tachycardic (Rapid Heart rate). The only info we get is that she's been "sick" for about a week. Takes no regular meds and has no allergies to meds.

One look and you can tell this kid's in trouble. She's totally not aware of her surroundings and sweating like a pig.

Why is she sweating like a pig, you ask?


Here's the first thing I thought of when heard what the temp was -

Smell that?

That's Good 'ole Country Fried Brain Cells!

I've been doing this job for a long time now and I've only seen one other person with a temp like that. That was an elderly guy with a huge untreated brain bleed and his elevated temp wasn't really unexpected.

107.8 is NOT expected in a young female. She was obviously in Septic Shock and not compensating any longer. Here's a little info on Septic Shock and Another One Here, if you're interested.

We jumped all over her and did everything that we should have done - Lines (ended up with 3 IV's), High flow O2, Labs, Fluids (Lots of fluids), Tylenol, Ice to the vital spots, Catheter and Antibiotics (Two Different Ones) all in about an hour. We then flew her out to a big Med Center. Her temp was down to ONLY 103.5 when she left. I don't think I've ever been happy to get a temp of only 103.5.

About 6 hours later, the Med Center calls. First thing that crosses my mind is "Oh Shit. She's crumped already". I was wrong. It seems that the young lady had a bad appendix. As in it had burst. Probably yesterday. But they tell me she was alert and and answering questions appropriately and her temp was down to 100 degrees even as she went into surgery.

All I can say is - Wow. She may make it and if she does, it sounds like her brain will have some function to boot. Hopefully her Kidneys come back online and she doesn't continue into DIC or Disseminated Intravascular Coagulation as her labs indicated she was heading. Technically, there's a lot more to this story and as interesting as this shit is to me and other ER Geeks, I'll spare you the details.

Suffice to say - This was a first.

Monday, December 04, 2006

OK. This Shit is Just Not Necessary...........

Saw This Bullshit over at Bane's Place the other day and just now remembered it.

Just friggin' wrong. It's not like we don't have enough f*ckheads of our own already.

The invasion continues. So far? They're winning.

My KungFu is Strong. Hah!!!!!!!

Strange morning indeed. Went out to take care of the Chickens and here's what I collected -

Once in a great while you'll get an oddball egg like that little one. Generally it's from a hen that's just beginning to lay. These girls are 2-3 years old now, so I don't know what the weird egg thing's about. How many hits do you think I will get now from people searching for "weird Egg"?

But just getting a strange egg is not why my KungFu is strong today. No siree, that's not at all why. But first a kickass, low budget, Christmas gift idea for the guy who's never quite grown up - Yeah, a SlingShot. About 15 bucks and only 88 cents for a bag of marbles. Equals hours of fun.

I've been playing with this thing for a month or so and average about a bag of marbles a week, so that's some serious cheap entertainment. I leave it out in the garage and when I go outside to smoke, something I don't do inside the GrumpyUnk Command and Control Bunker, I target practice on a small sign out by the road. It's one of those "Do not dig" signs that don't keep people from yanking up the big cable they buried out there a year or two ago.

Anyway, I had just come back from taking care of the chickens and 2 big dogs come strolling across the yard. That's not real unusual out here in the country. What is unusual, is that instead of running off when I hollered at them, they both stopped and growled at me.

Wrong answer.

They were about 40 yards away and I reached over and grabbed the, newly named - "Trusty SlingShot and Big Ass Dog Buster". And in one fluid motion, loaded up a nice cats eye marble and drilled the larger of the 2 dogs in the side.

I friggin' rock. That's all there is to it.

There's No Denying It ..................

The Christmas Season is now upon us. The temp was something like 19 degrees when I went home from work last night and we've had our first snow already. So I guess I ought to get myself into the holiday mood, eh?

Hey, Reagan lived to be about 900 years old. Smoking can't really be bad for us. Right?
And that is just a natural lead in to today's Cyanide and Happiness Comic which is fast becoming one of my favorites.

OK, this is taking up a lot of space and I'll leave you with this one here.

Friday, December 01, 2006

Rules for the ER .........................

I would so like to be able to post this in every room of the ER.

The following was sent to me by a former Boss. The name was deleted to protect the guilty. This is in no way an inclusive list of ER rules either. So feel free to add to 'em in the comments.

1) If it requires the ambulance team AND entire truck of firefighters to transport you and safely place you on a hospital is time to go on a diet.

2) When you present to the Triage nurse, do NOT tell him/her that your doctor called ahead. If you survey our waiting area, probably 50% of the people waiting said the same thing.....and the other 50% use the ER as their regular doctor.

3) When asked how much you weigh, please do not give the 'deer in the headlights' look and tell us you don't know. It's a simple question, simple answer.

4) Just because you have a phone and know how to call 911, we are NOT impressed by your arrival on an ambulance stretcher. You had BETTER be sick.

5) If you came escorted via EMS for multiple complaints that started more than one week ago and your entire family followed the ambulance to the hospital, you will be labeled a pussy and treated like one. Enjoy the waiting area with your family.

6) One complaint/ailment per visit, please.

7) Just because you came in an ambulance doesn't mean you're going home in one. You better start making arrangements now. I am NOT figuring out how to get you home. Cab vouchers are NOT an option.

8) If you have one of these four, go to your own doctor in the morning: A migraine; the Flu; a stomach virus; or a stuffy nose.

9) Do NOT ask us how long it will be. We don't know. I don't know what is coming through my door 30 seconds from now.....and so I sure as HELL don't know when you're getting a room.

10) We have priorities. We understand that you have been waiting for 2 hours in the waiting room. If you don't want to wait, make an appointment with a doctor. The little old lady that just walked in looking OK to you, is probably having a massive heart attack. THAT is why she goes first!

11) If your mother is a patient and we ask her a question.....let her answer it.

12) If your child has a fever, you had DAMN well better given it Tylenol BEFORE coming in.

13) If you are well enough to complain about the are well enough to go home.

14) Do not utter the words "it is in my chart." I don't have your chart! And I don't have time to call and get it! Just tell me.

15) We know how many times you've been to an ER. We can usually tell if you are faking it during the first 5 seconds of talking to you. Do not lie to us.

16) If you have diabetes and do not control it, you are committing slow suicide.

17) If you are a female between the ages of 16 and 42 and your last period was 28-35 days ago.....PLEASE don't waste our time if you are here for abdominal pain and vaginal bleeding. Guess what???!!! You got your period again!!!

18) Do NOT bring your entire posse with you. One person at the bedside is all you need. It is really difficult to get around seven people in the event that you are actually really sick.

19) Every time I ask you a question, I learn more about what is wrong with you. I don't care if I asked you what day it is 4 different times! Just answer the questions.

20) If you want something, be nice. I will go out of my way to piss off rude people.

21) Our definition of "sick" is not your definition of "sick." If a member of the ER staff says that someone is sick, it means that they are in the process of DYING!!! They have had a massive stroke....are bleeding out....are having a heart attack....or have been shot!

22) We do not consider a kidney stone "sick." Painful, yes.....but sick, no.

23) At any given time, one nurse has up to 4 patients. One doctor has up to 15. There is a law (similar to Murphy's Law) in the ER: If you have 4 patients, one of them will be sick (see above definition) of them will be whining of them will be homeless....and one of them will be a delightful patient. DON'T be the whiner! Please.

24) If you see someone pushing a big cart down the hall at full speed and you hear bells/alarms going NOT ask for a cup of coffee. Someone is dying, you inconsiderate asshole. Sit down....shut up....and let us work.

25) If you can bitch about the blood pressure cuff being too tight, or the IV hurting, you are not in that much pain!

26) Physicians and nurses are NOT waiters. We are NOT customer service representatives. This is NOT McDonald's, and you very well may NOT have it your way. Our job is to save your life. If you want a pillow, two blankets, and the lights dimmed......GO TO THE RAMADA!!!!!

27) If you have any sort of stomach pain and you ask for something to eat, you are NOT sick.

28) Do NOT talk shit about the other members of staff I work with. That doctor that you hate? -- I work with him every day, and I know that he knows what he is doing. I trust him a LOT more than I trust you. I am NOT here to be your friend, and neither is he. I will tell him what you said, and we will laugh about it. If you want a buddy.....go somewhere else.

29) If you are homeless.....DON'T ask for a bus token or a cab voucher to get home, it just confuses the staff.

30) PLEASE don't tell us how to do our job. Do we come to your place of business and tell you how to do your job?

31) Please don't bring in a "show and tell." If you have to fish it out of the toilet, it's really not necessary to bring it in. We will take your word for it. If you did fish something out of the may NOT use my pen.

OK, there you have it. If this sounds a little harsh to you, you need to realize that we hear/see every single item on that list every single day.

Update: I cannot believe this item was left off the list. I'll add #32.

32) Please take a bath or shower sometime in the week prior to your ER visit. Proper hygine will make you feel better and it'll make us feel better too. If you smell like the ass of a skunk, don't be offended when the staff wears a mask into your room in self defense.

I did that this morning with a husband and wife that were just maggot bait stinky. When they asked me why I had a mask on, I, not being able to tell a lie, simply told them "Because you need a bath." They were not happy with me.
I've Been Busy ................

And I just haven't been able to concentrate enough. Lot's of juicy stories and news out there, but I just haven't felt up to commenting on things.

Not sure what it's all about, but I'm sure I'll either get it together ......... or I won't.

The annual, "Holiday Season Freak Fest" that starts every year at Thanksgiving looks like it's gonna be a real winner this year. Fully 50% of the people in the ER's I worked at this past week had no good reason to be there.

It's been my experience, that spending any time wondering just what motivates these sonsabitches is time wasted. Logic only confuses things, when deaing with the Zombie crowd. I tell the younger Nurses to just put the logic gene in neutral, let it idle while at work and you'll deal with the societal leaches much better.

Having a holiday towards the end of the month always means you're gonna see a bunch of Zombies looking for drugs. The Zombie folks won't be able to fill their 'scripts till the first of the month. Not good, when you've dipped a little too hard into the candy jar of Narcotics for the holiday. And that equals LOTS of drug seekers. The friggin' list of complaints can really get creative at times and you have to give some of these assholes credit for that. Ok, I was kiddin' about that last part. I hate these friggin' leaches. If they put even 1/2 the time and effort into being a productive member of society, they could buy all the drugs they wanted to ............. for cash money.

All the years I used drugs, it never once occurred to me to go to a hospital and scam drugs. OK, maybe I wasn't an honor student in creative problem solving. I prefer to look at it as maybe I had SOME standards. Granted, the bar WAS pretty low, but I was then and remain now, superior to the Shit Eaters I deal with daily in this regard.

So There.

I've read studies that say 50% of all ER visits after 12:00 Midnight are Psych based complaints. I'd wager that's too low. It's probably averages 50% around the clock.

The Attention Getters are just warming up too. These Bastards are the reason you're left sitting out in the waiting room with your sick baby for 2 hours. Got that? Good, remember it and don't take it out on the ER workers the next time you have to wait.

The Attention Getters include, The Lonely Old, The Lonely Young, The Lonely Singles, The Lonely Married, The Lovelorn, The Broken Hearted, The I'm in a Bad Marriage, My Girl/Boy Friend left me 'cause I'm an asshole, and my favorite - the Teenage Girl Who's Daddy:
1) Never Bought Her a Pony
2) Never Gave Her Enough Attention
3) Gave Her WAAAAAAAAAAAAAY To Much Attention of the Innapropriate Type.

Now all these sorryass MoFo's can and do appear in various stages of intoxication. Drunk, High, Overdosed - either intentioanlly or otherwise, In Cuffs with the Cops, On an Ambulance Cart, or in a private auto, with their Special Attention Target already attached to them like a f*ckn' Remora.

There's just too many variations of this shit to make an inclusive listing. This is just to give ya an idea of what we're dealing with everyday of the year.

And it's just gonna get worse for the next 6 weeks of so. Yeah, Happy Friggin' Holidays to you too.

The Attention Getters will suck you dry if you engage them. They're like Psychic Lamprey's, sucking both the physical and emotional energy out of you.

You ever see a Lamprey? Check out that mouth and imagine THAT hooked into the side of your head -

Yeah, with that happy visage, I'll let it go for now. G-D, I'm gettin' burned out.

The good news? Nobody will be givin' any of those BS - "He was so quiet, I never would have expected him to go on a shooting rampage", quotes to the News People when I go off my nut.

That's a plus.